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Tue, Apr. 13th, 2010, 12:21 pm
rice conglomerate colonizes kitchens everywhere.

i have recently emerged triumphant from my kitchen. at long last, i have concocted a worthy follow-up to my magical mystery pancakes. i proudly present...

Jared's Sticky Brown Puffed Rice Conglomerate

this dish is ideal for entertaining and makes a great mid-afternoon snack. in order to replicate this dish, you must follow my directions exactly.


-approx. 1 cup to 1 box worth of puffed brown rice cereal
-1 to 1 1/4 cup cooked millet
-1 cup maple syrup
-1/2 cup carob chips
-1/2 cup chocolate chips
-1/4 cup plus one dash of almond butter
*note: make sure the ingredients are organic or else the dish will be too inexpensive.

take all of the ingredients except the brown rice and puree in a food processor. should the food processor jam, an egg beater can be substituted. unclog the butter jam from the food processor blade. if you cut your hand on the processor blade like i did, seek medical attention. try to minimize bleeding into the snack mix.

prepare a pan for baking. line the pan with melted $10 vegan quasi-butter sticks. pour the ingredients into the pan and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

after the 30 minutes are up, the ingredients should have reached a tar-like consistency. at this point the snack mix should emit a foul odor. if the mix does not smell yet, continue baking until the odor sets in. remove from the oven and pour the mixture into a red bowl. take the puffed rice cereal and pour over the mixture. mix the ingredients together as best you can with your bandaged hand. ingredients should reach an exceptionally thick, gum-like consistency. pour/dump the ingredients into a pie tin and mold into a cow patty formation. cool for ninety minutes* and then serve.

*please note that the rice conglomerate will make a pronounced gurgling noise as the rice and mix set in. the sound is most noticeable for the first sixty minutes and then begins to subside during the next thirty minutes. if the rice conglomerate does not stop gurgling after thirty minutes, dispose of the dish as it is probably haunted.

this dish has an extraordinarily interesting flavor. when contrasted with other desserts, the rice conglomerate sort of tastes like everything and nothing all at once, producing a flavor unmatched by any other dish. if desired, the goo mix may be partially burnt for added texture. please note that this dish will require additional chewing in order to swallow. aside from being a conversation piece and a taste sensation, the extremely fiberous content of this dish may serve as a digestive aid. if internal binding occurs, the rice conglomerate may be served with my magical mystery pancakes to resume bowel flow. please note that due to the extreme digestive strain induced by digesting the rice conglomerate, this dish may not be suitable for the pregnant, the elderly and most well people.


Wed, Apr. 14th, 2010 12:15 am (UTC)

I think my favorite part is the asterisk bit. Heeheehee.

Wed, Apr. 14th, 2010 04:59 am (UTC)

i've had a love affair with asterisks for some time now...

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