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Wed, Feb. 3rd, 2010, 01:39 pm
the hole in my soul is mottled by self-tanner and an oily, orange film.



lately i have been pestered by a persistent empty feeling, a sort of nagging that tugs at the very strings of my heart. i've done all that i could to defeat this feeling; sleeping, resting, napping, yet the vacant feeling persists. i have spent a great deal of time deliberating the exact cause of this malaise; chronic unemployment? artistic un-fulfillment? familial smothering? i now realize that these were but distractions to the greater problem as i have finally solved that persistent empty feeling: i am in jersey shore withdrawal.

ever since the first season of the shore ended my life has been in an emotional tailspin. as soon as those little orange devils fist pumped into my life i found myself instinctively drawn to them. i have counted on their continued presence for amusement and emotional comfort. i found their antics to be both delightful and educational and i relied on them as an essential moral compass. with the series on hiatus i am at a loss at how to conduct myself.

thankfully i have other friends that find themselves in the exact same situation, so i have a built-in support group to comfort me as i weather this long, strange hiatus between season one and season two. like snooki after her most recent beat-down, i will have to be strong.

thankfully the cast members of the shore find themselves in no such way. if anything, they are thriving in their downtime. proving themselves to be unflappable urban entrepreneurs, the guido-guidette club appearance tour has proven dizzyingly successful and the jersey seven have proven themselves equally adapt at fist pumping/ho-wrangling well outside the protective walls of their beloved karma.

what's more, the shore-ites continue to provide moral guidance even during their television hiatus. vinny turned heads with his intrepid fist-pumping-for-haiti campaign and it has had a profound effect on me. truthfully i was terribly indifferent about the suffering of the haitian people but vinny has taught me otherwise. i figure that if vinny can manage to donate a partial sum of his ten thousand dollar club appearance fee to the plight of haiti's poor, i, too, can dip into my tanning budget to help the less fortunate. vinny has taught me that guido-love is more than just a-tannin' and a-feudin', and it's more than just a passing fad; it's a way of life.

like you, my heart flummoxed in adulation when j-wow announced the launch of her clothing line. a series of her trademark tank-tops touted to be both "sexy" yet "sophisticated", j-wow's custom garments will no doubt be as cutting edge and glamorous as the woman herself. i have been anxiously awaiting my chance to air out my a-cups in j-wow's signature fish eye style, and it seems that one day soon i will have my chance, although thus far there is no word as to whether or not patrons will be able to order customized hot pants with their names sequined on them.

i have no doubt that the rest of the shore-ites are also blossoming. presumably ronnie is continued to ferment his trademark 'roid rage as the situation continues his on-going mission of nurturing his delicate, crispy brown ego. meanwhile i assume that sami is busying herself pulling out her weave while angelina continues her work as a ghostly apparition.

sadly the one member of the shore that seems to be floundering is, perhaps predictably, snooki. snooki was recently dealt a heavy blow when she lost the d-listed.com esteemed slut of the year award to stains the dog. meanwhile her poof has been looking decidedly soggy and there is still no word about the tenability of her snookin' for love reality show. things may be looking up; word is that a snooki-sex tape has been leaked, most likely by herself, and i have no doubt that such a leaking would be a boon to her battered self-esteem. the tape would make a nice companion to the coming jersey shore-themed pornographic feature. despite my enthusiasm for her latest artistic venture, i'm afraid i'll have to pass on snooki's alleged sex tape. i am truthfully rather ambivalent about the prospect of video taped poon to begin with, so the specter of gigantic, oily orange poon simply elevates this aversion to nauseating extremes.

all in all, life has been good for the guido's, even in their downtime. fitting the example set for my by my emotional role models, i, too, will have to endeavor to make my own downtime as fruitful as possible. after all, i always have the looming prospect of a new season of the jersey shore to provide me strength and comfort in the meantime.

Thu, Feb. 4th, 2010 12:07 am (UTC)
almostfun

Jared...... DRAG RACE has started!! doesn't that fill any void at all?

Thu, Feb. 4th, 2010 02:37 am (UTC)
validateme

it certainly helps, no doubt about that, but even the most haggard of those tranies (read: nicole paige brooks) cannot adequately match snooki's elfen glamor.