my poisonous rhetoric

i have recently emerged triumphant from my kitchen. at long last, i have concocted a worthy follow-up to my magical mystery pancakes. i proudly present...

Jared's Sticky Brown Puffed Rice Conglomerate

this dish is ideal for entertaining and makes a great mid-afternoon snack. in order to replicate this dish, you must follow my directions exactly.

ingredients:

-approx. 1 cup to 1 box worth of puffed brown rice cereal
-1 to 1 1/4 cup cooked millet
-1 cup maple syrup
-1/2 cup carob chips
-1/2 cup chocolate chips
-1/4 cup plus one dash of almond butter
*note: make sure the ingredients are organic or else the dish will be too inexpensive.

take all of the ingredients except the brown rice and puree in a food processor. should the food processor jam, an egg beater can be substituted. unclog the butter jam from the food processor blade. if you cut your hand on the processor blade like i did, seek medical attention. try to minimize bleeding into the snack mix.

prepare a pan for baking. line the pan with melted $10 vegan quasi-butter sticks. pour the ingredients into the pan and bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

after the 30 minutes are up, the ingredients should have reached a tar-like consistency. at this point the snack mix should emit a foul odor. if the mix does not smell yet, continue baking until the odor sets in. remove from the oven and pour the mixture into a red bowl. take the puffed rice cereal and pour over the mixture. mix the ingredients together as best you can with your bandaged hand. ingredients should reach an exceptionally thick, gum-like consistency. pour/dump the ingredients into a pie tin and mold into a cow patty formation. cool for ninety minutes* and then serve.

*please note that the rice conglomerate will make a pronounced gurgling noise as the rice and mix set in. the sound is most noticeable for the first sixty minutes and then begins to subside during the next thirty minutes. if the rice conglomerate does not stop gurgling after thirty minutes, dispose of the dish as it is probably haunted.

this dish has an extraordinarily interesting flavor. when contrasted with other desserts, the rice conglomerate sort of tastes like everything and nothing all at once, producing a flavor unmatched by any other dish. if desired, the goo mix may be partially burnt for added texture. please note that this dish will require additional chewing in order to swallow. aside from being a conversation piece and a taste sensation, the extremely fiberous content of this dish may serve as a digestive aid. if internal binding occurs, the rice conglomerate may be served with my magical mystery pancakes to resume bowel flow. please note that due to the extreme digestive strain induced by digesting the rice conglomerate, this dish may not be suitable for the pregnant, the elderly and most well people.

enjoy!

( orange love. )

( Not even my enthusiasm for hard candy can allay my anxiety over aging. )

the canadian experience

( part 1: a journey to canada )



( part two: hosting a canadian. )

in attempt to satiate a burgeoning late-night hunger, i took it upon myself to do what i so rarely do: cook. i am not one to be hemmed in by recipes or the "recommended" ingredient sizes therein. i am much too spontaneous to be bothered by that. when i cook, i prefer to freestyle whenever possible. take tonight's entree, for example.

what started off as an attempt at low-carb homemade pancakes turned into something much more special. for the benefit of all other hungry souls reading this, i have provided the recipe.

---
Jared Jemima's Magical Mystery Pancakes

ingredients:
1/2 cup low-carb baking mix
1/2 tbsp. canola oil
1 egg
1-2 cups skim milk
1/2 tbsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. vanilla extract
approx. 1/2-3/4 cup ground flax seed
approx. 1/2-1 cup whole wheat flour
a dash or two of ground cinnamon
a light squirting of organic blue agave

directions:
put ingredients in a bowl. smoosh. oil skillet. heat skillet until hot. add pancake goo. heat for about a minute and then flip. heat until pancake is greyish-brown. repeat as desired. makes about 8 silver dollar pancakes.
---

my pancakes produced a unique flavor. the pancakes tasted as if only the skim milk and flour had combined and nothing else. the resulting flavor was almost like a solid wafer of water. the pancakes had a distinctive grey/brown color and a uniquely chewy texture. the pancakes make a puzzling squishing sound when bitten into and have a tendency to slide around the plate, particularly when lubricated with syrup. the pancakes have a rather contradictory temperament, for although they have a squishy, almost nerf-ball like texture, they are simultaneously edible. these pancakes are best served as a breakfast entree, afternoon snack or as a cure for constipation. this dish is best served with lots of syrup.

enjoy!

kitten!!!

Bea Arthur:
1922-2009

...and in my current theme of enriching your lives with YouTube videos, i present the following:

NSFW

NSFW

it's no kitten video, but it's really close.

sometimes it feels like life is taking a dump on you. repeatedly. all you can do is brush yourself off and carry on, but why even bother when shitaceousness is so imminent? sometimes it feels like life doesn't even give you a chance to properly towel off before dumping another hot, smelly load of life right back on you. it's not fair, it's not right and it's not hygienic. at these moments, you have to wonder, in the face of such dim prospects, why even carry on?

i'll tell you why. kittens. that's why.

when i'm down and out and feel like i cannot carry on, i have a video that helps me make it through another day. observe:

*in exceptionally dire circumstances, i consult this video, as well.

it's important to remember that despite life's incessant crappiness, there's always a silver lining and these silver linings usually involve kittens. i invite you to find the kitten lining in your shitty day.

*korean youtube can be silly. if you can't see the video, try searching for "seounyu" and clicking on the "baby cat ^^" option.

i cannot believe they made another street fighter movie. even now that it has been released and already long since bombed, i still cannot believe that they made another street fighter film.

for those unaware of the original, i am referring to the original 1994 epic street fighter, best known as the crown jewel of the jean-claude van damme quadruple feature.

some of my best memories are of elizabeth and i cruising around 'stallis in search of an available copy of street fighter.*1 most people would consider that movie to be unwatchable but we quite enjoyed it. the film has a certain campy quality that can only be appreciated by people acclimated to watching truly terrible cinema. having cut our teeth on cheerleader ninjas (*suppresses a shudder*) and alexander: the director's cut, we were prepared for street fighter. it takes a certain mix of bravery and foolhardy-ness to willfully screen a movie based on a video game, but we are just such people.

though i have not and probably will never see the recent street fighter: the legend of chun li, it's clear that this project was doomed from the start. i can appreciate the casting of chris klein as charlie, that's only appropriate, but they dropped the ball by casting some lame canadian*2 as chun li. as elizabeth has repeatedly pointed out, canadians always ruin everything. i would be willing to overlook the actress' nationality were it not for one damning flaw; the actress features a conspicuous absence of thunder thighs. you cannot capture the essence of chun li without thunder thighs. even the most novice of nerds knows that. this blatant failing displays a shameful ignorance of the film's source material, if not a total disregard for the entire street fighter pantheon altogether. clearly no one was thinking when producing this movie.*3

the film displays one last readily identifiable flaw, and this will come to anthony's profound dismay. i have spent a considerable portion of my life defeating anthony at street fighter. repeatedly. i've had a lot of good times with him, so i'm sad to crush him with the following revelation: the imdb page does not list dee jay as a character in the new film. i know. what the fuck. only until there is a street fighter: dee jay's revenge will i ever support a future street fighter film.

*1 tragically, the original street fighter movie was the legendary raul julia's last film. that warrants an emoticon: :(
*2 this would have been MUCH more appropriate casting.
*3 i find it odd that nobody has thought to affix a '2' to any of the street fighter films. the street fighter franchise has only been successful when a '2' is attached to the title. no one cared about street fighter 1 or 3, and "street fighter" itself is a generic title. just sayin'.